The Troll

The husband and I can be really absent-minded. We forget where we put things. Or sometimes we don't look hard enough. For example, the husband will look through a pile of papers on the counter for a particular bill and not find it. A few minutes later, one of us will walk by the pile and see the bill right on top. We would joke with each other that "the troll" must have taken it and then put it back when we weren't looking. We like to believe this as opposed to the likelihood of us succumbing to early Alzheimer's.

But now I think "the troll" is actually real.

I bought a pair of sunglasses a couple of months ago and put it up in one of the kitchen cabinets for safe-keeping until I could see my eye doctor. Well, I had an appointment this Thursday, so Saturday and Sunday I looked through the cabinets and they were nowhere to be found. I tore those cabinets up looking for those sunglasses. I mean I must have searched each cabinet 10 times. Thoroughly. I couldn't find them, so I canceled my eye doctor appointment yesterday. Today, when my mom, the kids and I got back from Target, there the sunglasses were, right on the kitchen counter, underneath the cabinets that I searched. After I squealed in delight and asked my mom where she found them, she said she didn't put them there. I called the husband and he said he didn't either. Okay...

Today I went in search of my "fat" bathing suit since we're going away this weekend. I was on the phone with the husband who was at work and as I searched my dresser, I complained that all I was able to find were my half a dozen pairs of my "skinny" bathing suits. He joked that maybe the troll would bring back my fat bathing suit like he did my sunglasses. (I had a stinking suspicion that the husband really found my sunglasses and was trying to trick me about them.) I joked back, "Yeah, he'll probably leave it right here on the bed to make it obvious, too." After searching my dresser, I told the husband that maybe it was in my closet, although that would be odd because I've never hung up my bathing suits. Well, no such luck. I even dug through the box in my closet of things that I didn't even want anymore. The husband told me he had to go because he was at Taco Bell and it was his turn to order. So I hung up and walked back into the bedroom.

There was my bathing suit right on the bed.

Now it is entirely feasible that I put it there and not have noticed. I did take a pile of clothes out and set them on the bed. And then put them back. The bathing suit could have been on the bottom, and I missed it.

But it still freaked me out.

I called the husband back immediately, and he suggested that perhaps I have a multiple personality disorder and don't remember things that my "other" personality does.

"You are a beautiful young lady!"

Okay, I can't really remember if he actually said "young," but that's what a guy said to me today.

I stopped by the post office on the way home from work to check our mail. Normally I take my glasses off when I'm not driving because it feels like I'm walking around in a fish bowl and it makes me dizzy, but I was too lazy today. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the glass door on my way in and thought I made a rather pretty nerd even with my short bangs held to the side with a clip.

On my way out, I passed someone who exclaimed how pretty I was. I looked up and it was some guy with an afro and sunglasses, who then proceeded to ask if I was married, how lucky my husband is and if I had a sister.

Out in the parking lot I made sure to watch him drive away first so he wouldn't follow me home.

Update
So I told the husband the above story. His replies:
* It must have been the bangs.
* Are you sure he was talking to you?

For some reason, I'm starting to get the impression that he really doesn't like my bangs.

Bangs Revisited

* Photo disclaimer - I honestly don't think my face is really this broad. I took the pic with a new cell phone and think it might be the wide angle. Or it could be the 20 pounds I've put on.

I was planning on growing my bangs out. I've been having serious allergy issues for about the past month and feeling anything on my face makes me want to scratch my skin off with a grater. But I figured since I have bangs now I might as well see how they look shorter. So I cut them last night. And I actually like them. I even drug out my flat iron and made the rest of my hair all smooth. I thought I looked pretty hot! And then I looked at myself in the full-length mirror. You can have the greatest haircut, but that matters not one iota when you're fat. Sigh.

Anyway, I cut them last night and went to bed while the husband was up playing video games so he didn't see me until he answered the door when I got home from work today.

Husband: Did you cut your hair?
Me: Yes.
Husband: Yourself?
Me: Yes.
Husband: (Eyebrow raised) It looks like it.
Me: (Angry pout) Hmpf.

Stupid, stupid Jonas Brothers

We use AOL Instant Messanger (AIM) at my work a lot to communicate. My officemate sent me an AIM this morning and I replied back to confirm her message. Then she asked me in a perplexed voice to send her a test AIM. I obliged and then she burst out laughing asking me why I had the Jonas Brothers on my AIM.

Every morning when I turn my computer on AIM automatically opens as well as the AOL homepage. Somehow I managed to accidentally click on a Jonas Brothers application on the homepage that changed my AIM wallpaper! So I hurried up and changed it to a simple daisy, sent my coworker a test AIM and that was that.

Later on in the day, the Bossman called me and spoke to me about a few payments in the system. He wanted to confirm some numbers, so in a rare move, he AIMed me the numbers. I changed them in my system and all was groovy...or so I thought.

My officemate then sent me an AIM asking about something trivial. Then she started laughing saying that the Jonas Brothers were still there. Oh, no! Oh, good heavens no! When I sent an AIM, you could see the daisy, but when someone AIMs me, like Bossman did, the stupid Jonas Brothers pop up! And they pop up huge, too, just like in the above picture!

We tested my AIM with the receptionist, too, and she asked me why I had the Jonas Brothers up.

I am utterly and completely mortified. How am I ever to look my boss in the face again when he probably thinks I'm an old grown woman trying to be a teeny-bobber?

Argh! What does heartburn feel like?

Something hurts and I have no idea what it is! Argh! I'm sitting here in pain. I googled heartburn just in case that's it, but it mostly says the pain is right behind the breastbone. But mine is right below it. Like centered right below my boobs but above my stomach. Ow! Ow! Ow! Go away, pain!

I made some tea hoping that would help it (I don't know why I would think tea would help), but it didn't. Ow! Oh, please don't let me die. Oh, God, how mortified would I be (well, I guess I wouldn't know or care) if I died and they found me with the preggo pants trick? A trick to expand your pants when your pregnant is to take a rubberband, attach one end to the button at your waistband, thread the rubber band through the hole meant for the button, and then loop it back on the same band. I did that to my pants today. Only I'm not pregnant. I'm just too fat from all the sushi I had for lunch and my pants were too tight.

Oh, pain, go away. I don't want to die like this.

OH MY GOOD LORD - I HAVE DISCOVERED JAMBA JUICE OATMEAL!!!

Okay, I now sit here typing this with a full and warm stomach.

We've been having a heat wave for the past few days with temperature highs in the 90's. (And of course our AC is broken at home and no one has the stupid fuse we need to fix it! But I digress.)

On the drive to work this morning, I was hungry and thought a nice cold orange smoothie from Jamba Juice sounded delicious. I would just be a few minutes late. So I went and the place was empty except for one other customer. The guy who helped me looked so young. I wanted to say, "Shouldn't you be in school?" But I just thought it as I stared at the poor kid's budding mustache.

Anyway, I ordered the large Orange Dream Machine figuring that a large should be more than enough to last me through morning. Then the kid asked if I wanted oatmeal. I told him, "No, thank you," and then he told me how they just made a fresh batch and it was warm and they had apple cinnamon, blueberry, blackberry and banana. How could I resist? So I ordered the blackberry. That kid oughta be in sales!

So my fat ass strolled into work a few minutes late with a large smoothie (I forgot to change it to a small after the oatmeal order) and some oatmeal. Somehow in between the 5 minute drive from Jamba Juice to my work I lost the oatmeal spoon. Thank goodness we have spoons here!

The oatmeal looked gross when I first took off the lid. It was all purplish black goo. But of course that was just the blackberry topping. Because once I dug in - sheer heaven. It was all warm. The oatmeal was all creamy and had some crunchy things in it. The blackberry topping was all sweet. Mmmm.

Dang, now that I think about it, I just spent over $8 on breakfast!


It kind of reminds me of the scene from The Golden Child when Eddie Murphy pokes the pot of oatmeal on the stove and blood seeps through. Unfortunately for me, I have no special powers and no one is trying to kill me by feeding me tainted oatmeal.

Rocky Balboa

I finally watched Rocky Balboa last night. And I liked it! There were even some scenes that made me cry like a baby. Of course I felt the usual, "What! Oh, no," feeling upon hearing that he was making Rocky 5...and then 6...and the latest, Rambo 3. But Rocky 6 is pretty decent in my book.

I am a huge Rocky fan. One and Four are my favorites. But I really like Six, too, after watching it last night. When I was a kid I had the biggest crush on Sylvester Stallone after watching Rambo. I remember I used to sneak and cut pictures of him out of my mom's Enquirer and put them in a photo album. It was strange watching him last night though. His skin and eyebrows looked alll weird.

I remember watching one of the Rocky movies with a guy friend a long, long time ago. I can't even remember which guy friend, but I remember him telling me how unreal the movie was. Boxers don't box like that. Rocky would never win, because boxing is based on scoring. And then he proceeded to tell me how it's scored and took away the magic of Rocky from me forever. Bastard.

Low-carb sucks serious ass

I am sitting here at work, sick to my stomach with a horrible headache, feeling like I have a vat of oil sitting in my stomach.

I did low-carb a couple of years ago and lost about 30 pounds. After I went off the diet I maintained my weight pretty well by continuing going to gym nearly every day. When that stopped, the pounds came back.

Well, it's time to lose weight again. We're going to be going down to Southern California in a few weeks to Disneyland and to see the husband's family. My sole reason for wanting to lose weight - my mother-in-law's bluntness. I know if she sees me how I am now, she will call me fat. I don't know why it motivates me so much, but it does.

So I went back on low-carb on Monday. It's now Thursday, only Day 4 of the diet, and I feel sick! Sure I've already lost 2 pounds, but I feel like crap. I'm tired. My head is pounding. Earlier I put my head down on my desk and started to nap. I only woke up when I felt the drool starting to come out the side of my mouth.

I'm going to go to Trader Joe's after work to see if they have low-carb bread to soak up this grease pit in my stomach. Blech. Just the thought of salad dressing and eggs and bacon and salami and all the stuff I'm allowed to eat makes me want to vomit. Why can't I just be anorexic?

It's About Heroin?!?!!!

Every once in a while I like to take a break from the R&B music I usually listen to. Driving home from work today I had the station on 105.3. I don't even know what they call this music genre anymore (New Wave? Do they still call it that?), but they were playing an old song that used to be one of my favorites. It was by New Order, but I couldn't for the life of me remember the title of the song. True Memory? True Life?

A few minutes ago I just googled it, and right before I even typed in some of the lyrics, I remembered! True Faith!

Well, out of curiosity I checked Wikipedia to read about it. The song is about heroin! I was walking around singing this song when I was 13! Heroin! I don't know if I had even heard about heroin when I was 13.

Sometimes You Just Gotta Throw In The Towel

I think I neglected to add in my last post that before I hit the gym, I scarfed down a double-bacon cheeseburger, which is probably what gave me fuel to run.

This morning I just had a couple of granola bars. And I was already tired when I woke up to begin with. So when I went to the gym during lunch I had zero energy. Zero. Zip. Nil. Nada. None. And to top it all off, my iPod died. I guess that's what I get for letting my 3 year old son listen to the Chipmunks on it all weekend.

But I tried. I walked, half-jogged, tried walking fast and I just couldn't do it! I can't run without music. And, shoot, I got a cramp in my hip just from walking slow! So after 10 minutes on the treadmill, I gave up, headed back to my locker, changed, sucked up the didn't-you-just-get-here look from the guy at the counter, and left. Obviously my body was not craving exercising. What it did crave was a sandwich, so off to Togo's I went and nabbed a chicken salad sandwich.

26:30, Bitches!

Can you see me punching and swaying and throwing fast uppercuts in celebration of my new 2 mile running time?

Okay, yes, I know, it's still slow, about a 13:15 mile. But I am overjoyed at my slow, but steady progress. Last week it took me a little over 30 minutes to do two miles. So this is an almost 4 minute improvement for me! Plus I didn't even feel like I was dying towards the end. I felt full of adrenaline.

I think what helped was that I chose a treadmill that was in view of the stepper machines. There was someone on one of the steppers and this person had a full view of my side. Well, not wanting to look like a fat slow wuss, I ran with my gut sucked in, my head held up high and my arms swinging evenly at my side...as opposed to my normal hunched over, arms swinging madly, hyperventilating stance.

Woo-hoo! Now I just need to keep this up.