Brokeback Mountain

Yeah, I know it came out like 5 years ago, but I finally got around to watching it last night (thank you free HBO). Oh, my God. By the end of the movie I wanted to go in my bathroom and slash my wrists - it was so damn depressing. It was almost like the same feeling I had after watching No Country For Old Men. And I'm an optimist. But I just had this life sucks feeling after watching it.

It was a good movie. But just like the movie A.I. I don't think I'll be watching it again because it just sucks the happiness out of you. Well, except A.I. was a sucky movie.

I've always been a Heath Ledger fan. And maybe that added a tad to the depression side of watching it. But, damn! Jake Gyllenhaal is fi-ine, too! I never cared about him one way or the other before. (I had remembered watching him in something before, but couldn't remember what until I googled him this morning and saw he was in Donnie Darko. That was a horrible movie. I cannot for the life of me understand why that movie has a cult following.) Anyway, after watching Brokeback, I now seriously envy Reece Witherspoon.

Loser

Well, I haven't had another episode like I wrote about in my last post so that fear has started to ebb a bit. Although I still am a little scared that it might happen again.

Anyway, about last month or so, I was doing some google searches on dying my hair and make-up tips. Your general run-of-the-mill tips that you find in Cosmo and Glamour do not apply to me since I am not white. Drugstore dyes don't work on my hair. And advice on how to put on eyeshadow found in those magazines don't really work well on Asian eyes.

Well, the results kept directing me to this one forum. I think it started out as a Korean forum, but it has a whole lot of different Asians (and non-Asians, too) on there. I've been addicted ever since. Beauty tips galore! Clothes advice! New trends! What stores are having sales! Coupon codes!

I told the husband that I wanted a bunch of things. A wig, contact lenses, new make-up. He just looked at me like I was crazy.

The super sad pathetic part of this is that I think the average member age is 14. I will be 35 in May.

Fear

I hate to start this blog out on a down note. Normally I'm a very optimistic person. But something happened last night that scared me. Not one of those boo-oh-ha-ha-you-got-me scared. But it's the kind of fear that you can't shake off.

I was sleeping on the floor of my son's room last night. (I know. But he likes knowing that I'm there.) I thought I heard my daughter call me. So I got up to go to her, and boom, my body didn't want to cooperate and I fell against the wall. I was still groggy so I thought that maybe my leg had fallen asleep. Anyway, my daughter was up and she told me she was cold, so I tucked her under the covers (this was her first night in her new big girl bed). Then I went back to my bed with the husband.

Later, I heard my son crying so I went back to his room to sleep on the floor. That's when it hit me. What if I had a brain tumor or something and I only have a few years/months to live? The fear and sadness of not being able to see my kids grow up struck me and hasn't left me since.

It was a weird fall last night. Because I know my leg wasn't asleep. It was more like my brain. I've gotten up so many times in the middle of the night to go to my son's room, but not once has my body not worked like that. It scared me. And still does.