Open Mouth, Insert Foot

I was going to go to the gym today during lunch after a long hiatus, but Bossman called me right before I was about to leave. Apparently he missed the only flight from Arizona to the Bay Area, and thus, asked me to FedEx him all the documents that were awaiting him. No problem. I got the package together, weighed it on the bathroom scale (because it was too heavy for our little postage scale), cringed at my weight, and was out the door to drop it off at a place that's about a 5 minute drive away. Well, that place is now a wheelchair shop. So a quick call back to work and the receptionist told me the nearest Kinkos was over by my house. (I cannot even begin to tell you how handy it is to be able to call someone who has access to internet when you need to find a place!)

So after I dropped off the package I just went home for lunch. My neighbor, Bill, was outside working on his boat. Bill is a retired Air Force guy (is there a proper name for this? Air Forcer?) who is now his yacht club's , crap, I can't remember the name, Head Mariner? Grand Poobah? something like that. Anyway, when he told me I was pretty impressed. So I went over to go chat for a minute since he's a pretty friendly guy. I asked him about his boat and he told me that they actually have 3. The one in his driveway he was working on (I think he called it a runner boat), another runner (?) boat, and a 38 foot boat. The guy is pretty amazing. And then he told me that they also have 3 kayaks and a canoe!

When I went inside my house I exclaimed to the husband, "Those old people kayak!!!" I was so impressed. That must take some amazing upper body strength. Hell, I can't even swim.

The husband had just baked a pizza and we saw down to eat it at the dining table when he said, "The window behind you was open when you said, 'Those old people kayak!' And you were pretty loud, too." Any appetite I had immediately left.

Disneyland Review - I lost my keys!!!

We just got back from Southern California yesterday. We went to Disneyland, California Adventure and saw the husband's family. Oh, and a spur of the moment visit to the Getty musuem.

We stayed at the Fairfield Inn. I felt claustrophobic the moment I stepped in our room, but I got used to it eventually. It boosted a "heated" pool. I was expecting it to be bath water temperature and thought they might have been lying about the heated part when the husband told me that this temperature was heated. Oh. At least the kids enjoyed it while I huddled by myself near the edge shivering to death.

I hated Disneyland. Nor was it my son's favorite place. Disneyland is so not the place for an autistic child who cannot bear dark rides and loud music/talking. However, when I asked him what his favorite part was, he said digging. We sat momentarily after a ride, and he played in the dirt. Oh, and that ride? It was those cars that you drive that is on rails. I let my son sit in the driver's seat so he could steer and I'd just control the pedal. Well, the second I stepped on the pedal, it was too loud for him so covered his ears and I had to steer from the passenger's seat. My arm, butt and leg was hurting after that one. Not fun.

On the Dumbo ride. He covered his face with his pink blanket throughout most of the rides. However, this ride frightened me, too, when we went in the air and I started getting thrown to the side.

I also waited in this one stupid line for 2 hours with my daughter to meet and talk with princesses. I thought we'd get to see a whole bunch of them. We saw 3! And not even the good ones like Sleeping Beauty or Cinderalla. We saw Jasmine, Pocahontas and Ariel. And I was so peeved by the time we got inside that I didn't think to change the settings on my camera and wound up with a bunch of stupid blurry pictures.

I was bitching to the husband about the California Adventure tickets because I didn't want to go there. But I actually liked it better than Disneyland. There were more rides to my son's liking, and the lines were much shorter. I complained a lot to my husband during the whole trip there. That man must have some pretty rock solid discipline to not have beat me while we were down there.

Wednesday morning we went to Newport Beach with his mom. And I think that's the last time I saw my keys. The husband threw a silent tantrum because I didn't pack his shorts in with the kids' stuff. So he sulked on the towel for the most part instead of just walking the 3 minutes back to the car to retrieve his shorts.

My kids had the greatest time splashing in the water...until it knocked both of them over and I had to run in and pull both off them up because Mr.-I-have-no-shorts-so-I'm-not-going-near-the-water wasn't down there with us. My daughter still continued to play in the water. But my son would yell, "NO!" every time I tried to bring him back closer. I'm hoping my keys didn't fall out when I went in the water. That would suck.

Right before being eaten by the ocean:

I thought we were headed back home, but as I fell asleep in the car, the husband nudged me awake and asked if I wanted to go to the Getty museum. Hell yeah! I love art! However, it's so not a place to go when you're accompanied by little ones with very little art appreciation.

I packed a change of clothes for the kids when we went to Disneyland. I packed a change of clothes for the kids when we went to California Adventure. I packed a change of clothes for the kids when we went to the beach. I didn't even touch them at those places. So I figured I wouldn't need a change of clothes at the museum. Guess where my son threw up? Sigh. It took about 45 minutes to hop back on the tram, trek back to the car, change him, back on the tram, figure out the map and find the rest of the family.

Most of my time at the museum was spent holding my son's sweaty little hand and fretting over him getting away and knocking over some 200 year old marble bust. The Getty Museum had gorgeous views and I would really like to go back there...sans kids.

Anyway, we're back and I have no idea where my keys are.

Update
Apparently, the troll must have taken my keys. I checked the red backpack when we got home. They weren't in there. I checked the red backpack twice in the morning before I left for work. All I saw was the padlock the husband used at the gym. No keys. I asked the husband to check everything again for me while I was at work. Guess where he found the keys? In the red backpack right next to the padlock.

The Troll

The husband and I can be really absent-minded. We forget where we put things. Or sometimes we don't look hard enough. For example, the husband will look through a pile of papers on the counter for a particular bill and not find it. A few minutes later, one of us will walk by the pile and see the bill right on top. We would joke with each other that "the troll" must have taken it and then put it back when we weren't looking. We like to believe this as opposed to the likelihood of us succumbing to early Alzheimer's.

But now I think "the troll" is actually real.

I bought a pair of sunglasses a couple of months ago and put it up in one of the kitchen cabinets for safe-keeping until I could see my eye doctor. Well, I had an appointment this Thursday, so Saturday and Sunday I looked through the cabinets and they were nowhere to be found. I tore those cabinets up looking for those sunglasses. I mean I must have searched each cabinet 10 times. Thoroughly. I couldn't find them, so I canceled my eye doctor appointment yesterday. Today, when my mom, the kids and I got back from Target, there the sunglasses were, right on the kitchen counter, underneath the cabinets that I searched. After I squealed in delight and asked my mom where she found them, she said she didn't put them there. I called the husband and he said he didn't either. Okay...

Today I went in search of my "fat" bathing suit since we're going away this weekend. I was on the phone with the husband who was at work and as I searched my dresser, I complained that all I was able to find were my half a dozen pairs of my "skinny" bathing suits. He joked that maybe the troll would bring back my fat bathing suit like he did my sunglasses. (I had a stinking suspicion that the husband really found my sunglasses and was trying to trick me about them.) I joked back, "Yeah, he'll probably leave it right here on the bed to make it obvious, too." After searching my dresser, I told the husband that maybe it was in my closet, although that would be odd because I've never hung up my bathing suits. Well, no such luck. I even dug through the box in my closet of things that I didn't even want anymore. The husband told me he had to go because he was at Taco Bell and it was his turn to order. So I hung up and walked back into the bedroom.

There was my bathing suit right on the bed.

Now it is entirely feasible that I put it there and not have noticed. I did take a pile of clothes out and set them on the bed. And then put them back. The bathing suit could have been on the bottom, and I missed it.

But it still freaked me out.

I called the husband back immediately, and he suggested that perhaps I have a multiple personality disorder and don't remember things that my "other" personality does.

"You are a beautiful young lady!"

Okay, I can't really remember if he actually said "young," but that's what a guy said to me today.

I stopped by the post office on the way home from work to check our mail. Normally I take my glasses off when I'm not driving because it feels like I'm walking around in a fish bowl and it makes me dizzy, but I was too lazy today. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the glass door on my way in and thought I made a rather pretty nerd even with my short bangs held to the side with a clip.

On my way out, I passed someone who exclaimed how pretty I was. I looked up and it was some guy with an afro and sunglasses, who then proceeded to ask if I was married, how lucky my husband is and if I had a sister.

Out in the parking lot I made sure to watch him drive away first so he wouldn't follow me home.

Update
So I told the husband the above story. His replies:
* It must have been the bangs.
* Are you sure he was talking to you?

For some reason, I'm starting to get the impression that he really doesn't like my bangs.

Bangs Revisited

* Photo disclaimer - I honestly don't think my face is really this broad. I took the pic with a new cell phone and think it might be the wide angle. Or it could be the 20 pounds I've put on.

I was planning on growing my bangs out. I've been having serious allergy issues for about the past month and feeling anything on my face makes me want to scratch my skin off with a grater. But I figured since I have bangs now I might as well see how they look shorter. So I cut them last night. And I actually like them. I even drug out my flat iron and made the rest of my hair all smooth. I thought I looked pretty hot! And then I looked at myself in the full-length mirror. You can have the greatest haircut, but that matters not one iota when you're fat. Sigh.

Anyway, I cut them last night and went to bed while the husband was up playing video games so he didn't see me until he answered the door when I got home from work today.

Husband: Did you cut your hair?
Me: Yes.
Husband: Yourself?
Me: Yes.
Husband: (Eyebrow raised) It looks like it.
Me: (Angry pout) Hmpf.

Stupid, stupid Jonas Brothers

We use AOL Instant Messanger (AIM) at my work a lot to communicate. My officemate sent me an AIM this morning and I replied back to confirm her message. Then she asked me in a perplexed voice to send her a test AIM. I obliged and then she burst out laughing asking me why I had the Jonas Brothers on my AIM.

Every morning when I turn my computer on AIM automatically opens as well as the AOL homepage. Somehow I managed to accidentally click on a Jonas Brothers application on the homepage that changed my AIM wallpaper! So I hurried up and changed it to a simple daisy, sent my coworker a test AIM and that was that.

Later on in the day, the Bossman called me and spoke to me about a few payments in the system. He wanted to confirm some numbers, so in a rare move, he AIMed me the numbers. I changed them in my system and all was groovy...or so I thought.

My officemate then sent me an AIM asking about something trivial. Then she started laughing saying that the Jonas Brothers were still there. Oh, no! Oh, good heavens no! When I sent an AIM, you could see the daisy, but when someone AIMs me, like Bossman did, the stupid Jonas Brothers pop up! And they pop up huge, too, just like in the above picture!

We tested my AIM with the receptionist, too, and she asked me why I had the Jonas Brothers up.

I am utterly and completely mortified. How am I ever to look my boss in the face again when he probably thinks I'm an old grown woman trying to be a teeny-bobber?

Argh! What does heartburn feel like?

Something hurts and I have no idea what it is! Argh! I'm sitting here in pain. I googled heartburn just in case that's it, but it mostly says the pain is right behind the breastbone. But mine is right below it. Like centered right below my boobs but above my stomach. Ow! Ow! Ow! Go away, pain!

I made some tea hoping that would help it (I don't know why I would think tea would help), but it didn't. Ow! Oh, please don't let me die. Oh, God, how mortified would I be (well, I guess I wouldn't know or care) if I died and they found me with the preggo pants trick? A trick to expand your pants when your pregnant is to take a rubberband, attach one end to the button at your waistband, thread the rubber band through the hole meant for the button, and then loop it back on the same band. I did that to my pants today. Only I'm not pregnant. I'm just too fat from all the sushi I had for lunch and my pants were too tight.

Oh, pain, go away. I don't want to die like this.